After Clyde stepped out of the conference room, I looked at Sharon. “Could I ask you some questions—privately?”
“Of course, baby. Anything.”
I leaned forward, resting my forearms on the table. “What did you really think of Amanda’s letter? Am I doing the right thing focusing on the money as a tool for good? Is that what you saw as her intention?”
“Baby, are you asking because you think you will somehow fail Amanda if you don’t figure out what she wants you to do with the money?”
“Well, yeah…I guess so. I mean, she gave it to me for a reason, right?”
“Yes, and I think you are correct she thought it could be used as a tool for good, for helping people. But Jack,” she said, putting a hand on top of mine. “Baby, I think she really wanted it to be a blessing for you too. A mother, even a birth mother who never gets to raise her baby, always wants the best for her child. I haven’t always been able to give Billy everything he wanted. But I always tried to. Still do, and he’s a grown man now.”
She sat back again. “There’s nothin’ I got I wouldn’t give him if he needed it. Nothin’. I’m sure in her own way, there at the end, Amanda wanted to give you what she had so you could have everything you needed. And along the way, yes, I think she would be proud if you were to find a way to help people with it. Somethin’ tells me that won’t be a problem for you.”
“I really want to, Sharon. Ever since I read her letter, I feel this…I don’t know what to call it. An energy…to do some big thing…something to change a whole lotta lives for the better.” I looked down at my hands. “Everybody in my family kind of just lives for themselves, ya know? I guess I’m kinda the same way, and I don’t like it. I want to be like Patrick and Phillip and Amanda. I want to help.” I looked up into Sharon’s eyes, close to crying, so strong were the feelings and the determination rising up in me.
She smiled. “You know what, Jack? I think you’ve found a connection to two people, Patrick and Amanda, who you never knew existed, and you’re starting to see you are much more than just the product of your upbringing. The truth is, you’ve always been someone who wanted to help people. I can just see it in you. You have this great big heart of compassion and concern but you’ve never had the example of how to live it out. Patrick and Amanda are one example for you now. But there are many others. Think about the people who have helped you—I’m sure there had to be some—those are more examples for you to follow. And now you have the resources, which is all the money really is, a tool like Amanda called it, to put your compassion and care into action. You’re gonna do big things, Jack Schaeffer, I just know it.” She was beaming with pride at me.
I wanted to believe her so badly, to think I really was the kind of person she said I was. But I had never seen myself in that way. I knew I wasn’t a bad person—I knew what they looked like. My family was full of them. But I never thought of myself as particularly good either. Not like Patrick and Amanda. Or Sharon or Billy. Or even Clyde. But I wanted to be.
I felt like I didn’t know enough to do anything big, but Sharon was right. People had helped me. People like the Thompsons, who gave me a job and helped get me settled into a decent apartment. They were small things compared to curing cancer, but huge to me.
Of course, there was still a big problem standing in my way—I was gay. I wondered if Sharon would still think I was so full of promise if she knew my secret. Billy had said, even if she did know, it wouldn’t change her opinion of me. But was he right? How could anyone think I was a good person or capable of doing good things if I was gay?
As I sat there, this question began rolling over and over in my head. Did being gay mean I was not capable of good? Did it mean I could never be a good person? That couldn’t be right, and yet, I realized I had believed just that all my life—about myself. I had never tried to do anything with my life because I had mentally disqualified myself for being gay. Nobody else told me I was no good—I did it to myself, every day.
I had always held back from friendships and relationships lest someone find out I was gay—and therefore unworthy. Then they would leave me. I didn’t pursue job interviews or professional opportunities for fear of being discovered as gay and fired, or worse. So I didn’t try. I had never really tried to be me.
I was afraid of me.
I was suddenly on the verge of tears again and I saw Sharon tense up as she read my face. I was scared, my knees shaking under the table, my palms sweating, but I needed to ask her. I needed to know. It was time to do it afraid.
“Sharon, I need to ask you something else. Would you think all those nice things about me if…you knew…um, that I was…gay?” I felt a single tear fall as I held my breath, waiting.
“Jack…my sweet, sweet baby. Of course I would. It doesn’t matter whether you’re gay or straight or whatever. It’s what’s in your heart that counts. That’s where the good comes from. And baby, there ain’t nothin’ but good in you. Nothin’ but good.” She was crying herself now, her tears matching my own. She got up and came around to me. I stood up and fell into her open arms and just sobbed.
I was a mess. She was a mess. Together, we were a big mess. But finally we were all cried out and it was time to pick up the pieces. We went out to her desk and reached for the familiar box of Kleenex at the same time. We blew our noses, then she excused herself to go to the lady’s room and I went to the men’s.
I splashed some cold water on my face—this was becoming a habit here—and looked at the damage. Other than the red eyes and red nose, I wasn’t in bad shape. And I was smiling. How the hell was I smiling?
I had just told someone, someone I cared about very much, that I was gay. And the world had not ended. Violence did not break out. She still liked me. At least I was pretty sure she did. All my worst fears had not materialized. I was still in one piece—and smiling. I couldn’t stop smiling. Then I started laughing—giggles at first, then belly laughing. If someone had walked in at that moment, they would have called for a straitjacket. The catharsis continued for nearly a full minute and when it finally subsided, I was exhausted. And happy. Maybe for the first time I felt free.
I headed back to Sharon’s desk and she was watching me as I approached. “Jack, sit down here with me a minute.” I did as she asked and parked myself in front of her desk.
“I want to say how honored I am you had the courage to tell me about yourself. It took guts. I’m one of the first, aren’t I?” she asked.
“The very first. Well, I mean I sort of told Billy this morning, but he actually already knew, so I guess you could say he told me.”
“Let me guess—he came right out with it, plain as day, didn’t he?” She had her lips set in a mother’s frown.
I laughed. “Yeah, he did. But it was okay. To tell you the truth, it was kinda great. At first I was shocked because I didn’t know how he knew. But he was so cool about it. Last night, he told me a little about him and Jerome, and then some more this morning. Just guy talk. But it was the first time I ever talked to another gay guy about, well…gay stuff.”
“Hmpf. That boy always had too much mouth on him. Never knows when to leave a thing be.” She was sounding all aggravated-mother-like, but she was smiling again.
“He told me Jerome gets on his case about it all the time, too.”
“I’ll just bet he does.”
“I asked him if you knew about me and he said he wasn’t sure. I was so afraid you wouldn’t like me if you knew. I guess I’ve always been afraid of that, my whole life.”
“Jack, I think by now you know I more than like you. You’ve become very special to me. I just want to cover you up and protect you somehow. And I could never not like you over something like you being gay. The only thing that would get me upset is if you don’t live up to being the real you. You better become everything you’re supposed to be, gay or not, and do it the best you possibly can or you’ll be answering to me, mister.” She was holding up her fists and giggling. She was a riot. I was feeling better than I ever remembered.
“Jack, I do want to say something else to you. Billy was younger than you when he told his daddy and me he was gay. Big William, that was his daddy, God rest his soul, sat on his chair for about five minutes after Billy got through talkin’, just sittin’ there, thinkin’. And then he made up his mind, just like that. He looked at Billy who was sittin’ there on the couch, just shakin’ like a leaf, and said, ‘Young man, you’re my son. I’m your daddy and that’s the way it’s always gonna be. I love you now, I always have, and I always will. Nothin’s changed. But I don’t wanna hear about you runnin’ around with this one and that one and carryin’ on and makin’ a perfect fool of yourself, you hear me? Sex is not a game, it’s a serious business. You best be real sure how you feel about a man before you head down that road.’ Billy just started bawlin’ and hugged his daddy for a long, long time. Big William just let him do it too. I was never prouder of my two men than I was that night.” I could see the love in her eyes as she remembered the scene.
“Billy kinda said something similar to me this morning. He was pretty serious about it. I didn’t know his father had given him the same advice. He really loved Billy, didn’t he?”
“Yes, sir, he did. He wasn’t one of these no-good, selfish, self-centered fools runnin’ around, playin’ at bein’ a man. He took his responsibilities seriously. He loved Billy and me the way we needed to be loved. And we loved him back, right up until the day he passed. He was a good man, a good man. Jack, I know what I’m talkin’ about. You are a good man too. You remind me of Big William and you’ve got a heart as big as Billy’s. Just don’t take after his big mouth, you hear me?” She was smiling again.
“Can I ask you something? How did you feel when Billy told you?” She hadn’t said and I was wondering if her reaction was different than with me.
Sharon’s face darkened, and she turned away and looked at her hands in her lap. She fussed with a tissue in her hands and didn’t say anything.
“I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I didn’t mean to pry,” I said.
She sighed, squared her shoulders, and looked me in the eyes. “Well, I’m not gonna sugar coat it. I wish I could tell you it didn’t faze me and I instantly accepted it like it was no big deal. But that’s not how it was for me. I had to work through it a bit. I loved Billy, that was never the issue. He was my baby, nothin’ was gonna get between us. But I had my heart set on grandbabies, you see. And with Billy bein’ my one and only child, he was my only hope. So the truth is, Jack, I was selfish. I got angry because I wasn’t gonna get what I wanted, as if there were ever any guarantee of that happenin’ anyway. For a while there, I had a real hard time even talking to him. But I loved Billy and I could see my coldness was hurtin’ him. I could feel him slippin’ away. So after about a week, I took him for a walk and told him I was proud of him, and even if he never gave me a grandchild, I would love him and believe in him until my last breath. We cried over it for a bit and that was that. We got on with our lives. Billy met Jerome a few years later—never thought I’d meet a man who loved cars more than Billy—and when Billy brought him over for Sunday dinner, I knew then and there they were in love. Billy calls him his forever-love and, you know what, I believe it will be forever for them.”
“I hope I can find that kind of love someday.”
“You will, Jack. Give it time. You’re just now getting comfortable with who you are. You’ve got a lot of changes coming your way in the weeks and months ahead. I wouldn’t be in too much of a hurry to find a man until you get your feet firmly grounded underneath you. He’ll show up at just the right moment. My guess is you won’t have to find him—he’s gonna find you.”
Clyde came out of his office with a stack of papers in his hand and dumped them in Sharon’s inbox. “That’s the lot of it. Everything to get the name changed on the trust. Jack, I’ve got a copy here you can give to Larry this afternoon so he can get started on his end. He’s expecting you around two o’clock. Shall we get some lunch? Sharon, care to join us?”
I was hoping she would say yes. I enjoyed her company immensely. But she politely declined, saying she wanted to finish the paperwork for the trust and clear up some of her backlog. She called Billy and, just like a superhero summoned to the call of duty, he appeared ten minutes later smiling ear to ear.
Clyde’s cell phone rang just as Billy was giving his mother a kiss on her cheek. She looked at him, her eyes beaming with love. Clyde apologized, said he had to take the call—couldn’t be helped. He suggested Billy and I get the car and he would meet us in the circle at the front entrance to the building.
I followed Billy to the elevators, once again looking at his magnificent ass and fantasizing a bit. He said I could look, right? We were alone on the elevator and I could see his smiling face in our reflection in the elevator doors as we descended.
“You were looking at my butt, again, weren’t you.”
“But…I thought you said it was okay?” I stammered.
He laughed. “Relax, Jack. Just messin’ with you. It’s cool.”
I took a chance and looked down at his butt again, then back up to his face. “Actually, I was checking it out for signs of wear and tear. I think maybe Jerome needs to perform some maintenance back there.”
“Did you just make a car joke, Jack?” We were both grinning ear to ear.
He took a step backward and I could see him look down at my ass in the reflection in front of us. I turned to see his sexy smirk.
“You’ve got a pretty nice ass there yourself, Cute Stuff.”
I blushed down to my toes.