My mind was all over the place, and it showed in my driving. I slammed on the brakes, narrowly avoiding rear ending the car in front of me. Earlier, I had pulled out of the gas station into traffic and nearly caused another car to swerve into oncoming traffic—I never even looked!
This Monday morning drive to work might very well be my last if I didn’t get a grip. I skidded to a stop at a traffic light, squeezing the steering wheel with white knuckles of frustration. What was my problem?
I was angry. I tossed and turned all night, alternating between pathetic sobbing and seething fury over my mother’s total rejection. I never knew such deep, emotional pain could cause a man to freak out like I did. I once had a picture of my mother in a frame on my dresser. Not anymore. It shattered into shards of glass when I threw it against the wall.
Her comments still stung. She had never said that word to me before—queer. Why now? Did she know or just suspect? She made it sound so loathsome, like it was a fate worse than death. Did she fear for me? Was she giving me a loving warning, concerned I would be hurt if I came home?
Somewhere in my freak-out I copped to the truth—she wasn’t concerned about me, she was concerned about herself. She didn’t want me around because of how it would make her look, especially to the rest of the family.
She was fine with my brother’s criminal behavior and all the turmoil and worry she suffered when he was around. He fit right in. Me? Not so much.
It didn’t matter that I had not caused her a moment’s trouble by comparison. I was gay, a “crime” that would never be tolerated. She all but said, “Stay away and never come back. I don’t want you here. Nobody wants you.”
Where was the mother who was supposed to love me no matter what?
The light turned green. I honked at the driver in front of me texting on her cell phone. She gave me the finger and glared in her rearview mirror. Charming. Whatever, lady, just drive. It’s the pedal on the right. Push it. I managed to swerve around her, only to hit a pothole that rattled my already questionable shocks.
I wanted to fight back. Family was supposed to mean something. Mine meant nothing. I had more “family” in Chicago and Denver than back home. Rejection from the uncles and the cousins? I could handle that. I was used to it, and I didn’t need them. But my brother? My own mother?
I pulled into the lot and parked in a space up against the fence in the back, behind the building. I killed the engine and dropped my head on the steering wheel. Everything hurt, and I didn’t know how to make it stop.
I wanted to hit something, to strike back. To inflict maximum pain for all I had endured. I flexed my fingers, loosening the iron grip on the wheel. The adrenaline began to fade. I concentrated on breathing until I could think straight again.
I knew I couldn’t do it. My mother had been hurt enough by too many other people. First my father, then my brother. I wasn’t going to be one more. It’s not who I am. Anger never gets you what you want, least of all love. Time to face the facts—there was no hope of finding love and acceptance from my family.
Which left me at a crossroads. I could stay in Chicago, live in my same apartment, and do my same job. I didn’t hate my life here. But it didn’t solve my hopelessness. The more I thought about it, the more I knew I needed to make a change.
The only other place where I knew anyone was Denver. At least out there a few people already knew I was gay. Sharon and Billy were now my friends, almost like family. I missed them. I missed their kindness and acceptance. Clyde had really gone to bat for me. If I moved to Denver, I wouldn’t be totally alone. I might even find my forever love nestled near those majestic mountains.
Sitting in my worn-out car, shivering in the chilly air, a strong resolve rose from somewhere deep inside me—it was time to make a change. I couldn’t go backwards. I had to move forward. Staying in Chicago and maintaining the status quo wasn’t going to bring me the hope and the love I needed.
“You can do this,” I said to my reflection in the mirror. My stomach begged to differ, but I ignored it. No time for second-guessing. It was now or never.
First up would be telling Marcus. It wouldn’t be easy. I didn’t want him to be mad at me for quitting. After all, he’s the one who gave me the job in the first place. And let’s face it—it was a gift. I didn’t know crap about bookkeeping or running an office when I started. But he gave me the chance and the time to grow into it. Finally a semblance of a plan gelled in my mind. Time to suck it up, buttercup. Do it afraid.
My desk had several neat, short stacks of papers on it, along with the direct deposit pay stub for my paycheck from last week. Ordinarily I check my bank balance religiously every Friday morning to make sure my paycheck made it in there. I usually had already spent most of it. This week I had completely forgotten about it. Interesting.
I was hoping I could talk with Marcus before Mary arrived and started her investigation into my “non-approved” activities. Unfortunately, they walked in together. Mary was chatting up a storm, and Marcus looked like he was well on his way to a migraine. I wondered how they had gotten along last week without me.
Marcus saw me at my desk and said quickly, “Hey Jack, could you come into my office right away?”
I got up and followed him in. He closed the door behind me and asked me to take a seat in front of his desk.
He sighed heavily as he sat down behind his desk. “Ahh, peace and quiet. Honestly, that woman is great at her job, but does she have to talk a million miles an hour about absolutely nothing important? Exhausting. And that’s just the walk from the parking lot. Next time I’ll pretend I have a call and wait for her to go in first.”
I smiled and said nothing. Welcome to my world, Boss.
“So Jack, how was last week? Get everything taken care of with your family?”
I decided to tell him a watered down version of the truth. I’m a terrible liar—I can’t ever keep my story straight. I figured if I sort of followed the outlines of the truth, I could stay out of trouble yet still keep things fairly private.
“Yeah, I guess so. It was a lot more involved than I expected though.”
“Oh, how so? What did you have to do?”
“Well, it turned out I had a relative on my dad’s side who passed away and left me some things. I’ve never even met this person, so it was totally unexpected. But the lawyer handling it all said it was legit, so there it is.”
“Wow, Jack. Big surprise. So, if it’s not too personal, do you mind my asking what did they leave you? You don’t have to say if you don’t want to.”
“No, it’s fine. Just, please, don’t tell anyone else here, okay? I don’t want to talk about it.” I sighed.
“Of course,” he said.
Here goes nothing. “It turns out they left me a house and some money. But it’s out in Denver.”
“Denver? A house?”
“Yeah. The lawyer had a plane ticket for me to go out there to sign all the paperwork, but I had to go last week or it wouldn’t work—something about legal deadlines. Anyway, yeah…so I now own a house in Denver.” He had a very surprised look on his face, but then he broke into a smile.
“This is fantastic. I can’t think of a better guy to have this kind of good fortune fall on him. I’m really happy for you. So have you decided what you’re going to do with it?”
I grabbed my knees and squeezed them, hoping Marcus wouldn’t see my trembling hands. Here it comes, the really hard part. I took a deep breath. “Yeah, but this is hard for me to say. I really, really appreciate everything you’ve done for me here, Marcus. You and your wife and Fred. I mean, I was so lost and you gave me this job and helped with the apartment. You keep giving me raises, and I know I don’t really deserve them.”
He started to interrupt me.
“No, no. Please, let me finish. What I’m trying to say is no matter what, I will always be grateful for my time here and for all you’ve taught me.” I was nearly in tears.
“But I’ve decided it’s time for me to move on from here. I’ve enjoyed my job—a lot—and I’ve learned so much. But we both know there’s no career path here for me. I don’t want to be an accountant, much as I would love to keep working with you. And hey, I mean, I own a house out there. Not too many twenty-four-year-olds have a completely paid off house.” I stopped because I had run out of breath. I couldn’t read his face. I decided to be quiet and wait.
He processed it all for a few seconds, then looked straight at me. “Jack, first of all, you don’t have to be afraid I’m going to be upset with you for leaving. I’ve known this day would come from the first day I hired you. You are much too smart and mature to stay in this job forever. To tell you the truth, I’m surprised you’ve stayed as long as you have. I probably made it too comfortable for you. But I knew when you were ready, I would lose you. And I’m okay with it.”
He sat back and smiled. “I’m proud of you, Jack. It’s a big step, moving across the country like this. But I agree—you have an opportunity financially with having a house already waiting for you and I can understand the appeal for a young man such as yourself to uproot and try something new somewhere else. Plus, I’m sure Denver is a damn sight more interesting than the Chicago suburbs. Have you thought about what you will do for work?”
I was blown away by his reaction. Not what I had feared at all. I was really struggling now not to lose it. This man had been so good to me. I thought he would be upset I was leaving him in the lurch, and instead he was genuinely happy for me. Amazing.
I cleared the lump in my throat. “Yeah, I have actually. The lawyer out there is friends with a guy who runs a financial services group. He seems to think I might be a good fit. If nothing else, it’s a chance to see if I want to pursue finance as a career. I can always go back to school and pursue an MBA if it doesn’t work out.”
“Sounds like a smart move. Never leave yourself out of a job if you can help it. Well, after working with you for the past two years, I’m sure whoever gets you on the payroll will be happy to have you. I know I’m gonna miss you around here myself.” It was the last straw. I could feel the tears drop on my new blue shirt as I held my head down, embarrassed at my lack of control. This man loved me, or at least really cared for me. I was going to miss him too.
Thankfully, he said nothing more as I struggled to hold it together. I finally managed to stop the waterworks before they got out of hand and looked up at him. His eyes were a little red around the rims too.
“You gonna be okay, Jack?” he asked.
“Yeah, I think so. Thanks for understanding. It was…tough to get out.” He smiled, then laughed out loud.
“You thought I would be tough? You still have to run the gauntlet that is Mary Ricketts.”
I groaned, rubbing my temples. “Oh, don’t remind me. I’m dreading it.”
“Hey, Jack. It’s your life. Tell her just what you want to and leave the rest out. She’s a decent person. Just a little too nosy for her own good sometimes. But you were right, she can work, I’ll give her that. She picked up the slack with you being gone with no problem.”
I stood up to go. “Anything else?” I needed some air.
“Nope, not for now. I suppose we will need to talk about transition and your replacement, but we can save that discussion for later. I want to think about it for a bit. I may have some ideas that may make it easier on all of us.”
“Okay. Well, I’m gonna get back to my desk then and get receivables going.” I turned to leave.
“Hey, Jack.”
I turned back around to face him.
“I meant what I said. I am really, really happy for you. I hope everything works out great for you out there.” I nodded and walked out. The tears started again, so I headed straight for the bathroom to get myself in control. It was the one place Mary couldn’t get to me.