The next day was filled with alternating excitement and anxiety. My mind just wouldn’t calm down with all the questions and doubts. What will Sam do when he finds out I’m gay? Because he’s going to—I will have to tell him eventually. I had promised myself no more hiding. I didn’t have to walk in a room singing show tunes—although that actually sounded like fun—but I wasn’t going to pretend to be straight, either, just to keep his friendship.
Did he already have a clue? Was there something I did or said that gave away the secret? We didn’t talk about relationships, so there had been no false dodge on my part. I replayed every minute of the previous day over and over again and could not think of anything that came close to my revealing I was gay.
And I was nervous about meeting his friends. I usually didn’t do well in a crowd. I was more of a one-person-at-a-time kind of guy. And if one of them sussed out I was gay, well, then the whole crowd could go nuts. And I would not expect Sam to side with me, although I suspected he was a nice enough guy he would not be the one causing trouble. He might even be willing to still drive me home. I decided to make sure I had plenty of cash for cab fare in case I needed it.
I spent the day agonizing over what to wear, how hot or cold was it going to be at night, where exactly was he taking me, how many guys were going to be there? Would they want to go drinking afterwards? How did Sam handle that since he said he never drinks? Ugh! Endless questions.
I finally settled on jeans and a Hawaiian shirt that Sam had not seen me in yet. I would wear my loafers with no socks. Casual, but appropriate for any typical movie theatre or dining establishment. I didn’t want to look like I was trying too hard. I hadn’t been out on a guys’ night in ages. The last one had ended early for me when Fred’s friends decided to start with tequila shots at a club first thing.
By five-thirty I had showered twice, fixed my hair three times, and put on and washed off my Bvlgari cologne twice. I put a light spray on for the last time and told myself enough was enough. I liked it, and it wasn’t super strong. I dressed and made sure my shirt was not wrinkled. I ironed it again, just to be safe. I even wiped my leather loafers with a damp towel so they shined.
Sam pulled in promptly at six. I was watching from the window, but then I stepped away. I didn’t want to appear too eager. My hands and legs were shaking, I was so excited. It was only a movie. Get a grip, Jack!
The doorbell rang and I opened the huge wooden door. Sam was dressed in almost an identical outfit. His shirt was tan with off white flowers, mine was a light blue with similar flowers. He had on black loafers, and no socks as well. He stood there with a big smile on his face.
“You ready, Jack?”
“Yep, all set. Let’s do it.” I closed the door behind me and heard it latch. I followed him to the truck. I could be mistaken, but it seemed like he almost stopped to open my door for me, but then shook it off and kept moving. I was glad. It would have been awkward and confusing for me. I did not now, nor did I ever, want to be treated like a girl in any relationship I may have with a man. I am not a woman, I don’t act like one, and I don’t want to be treated like one. Some guys eat that up— which is cool for them—but not me.
We chatted about his work day as we made our way down the mountain and into Honolulu proper. He was right—traffic was a nightmare. We barely made it to the theatre in time for the start of the show. When we pulled in and parked, he turned off the truck and checked his text messages. His phone had been going off for the past ten minutes.
“Fuck! Oh, sorry, Jack. That slipped out. Shit!” He seemed seriously upset.
“What’s wrong, Sam? Something happen?”
“Yeah. Look, I’m sorry, but the other guys bailed on us tonight. One of the guy’s cousins is over from the states and they’re taking him out drinking for his twenty-first birthday. Tommy knows I don’t do that shit. I hate drinking just to get drunk. So stupid.” Wow! Sam felt the same way I did about it.
“So what do we do now? See the movie anyway? We’re here.” I was trying to be helpful, but I knew he was disappointed. He wanted me to meet Tommy if nothing else.
“Do you still want to? I mean…it’s just me. Are you cool with that?”
“Cool with what? Hanging out with a new friend? Yeah, I can handle it. And thank you for not dragging me to a bar. I can’t handle that scene either.” I hoped calling him a friend didn’t scare him off. I guess not, because he was smiling again.
“Alright then, let’s do this. Movie, then pizza.” So we did.
Sam offered to buy me some popcorn, but I declined. I was having pizza later and I noticed my jeans were a little tight tonight. I needed to lay off the rich desserts and other crap.
The movie was okay. The lead actor was good, for an action flick. I actually kept watching him, seeing the resemblance to Sam in his face and mannerisms. Of course the accent was totally not the same, and Sam had all his hair, but standing there, they could have been brothers—or at least close cousins. Both of them were hot.
After the movie, Sam went on and on about it for the entire fifteen minute ride to the pizza joint. I liked hearing him so animated and passionate, even about something that wasn’t real. I was beginning to realize Sam put a lot of himself into the things he cared about. If it was on his radar, he was all in.
His mood was upbeat. He had shrugged off the earlier change in plans and was laughing as he remembered a funny scene from the movie. He was still talking about the movie as we were seated in a wooden booth with high backs and a red-checked table cloth.
Sam looked at me and stopped himself mid-sentence. “I’m sorry, Jack. I’m running off at the mouth again. I get like this when I’m excited about something. Just ignore it.”
“No, no, Sam. It’s cool. I like it that you get passionate. Shows you’re alive…real. I liked the movie, too, though not as much as you, I think.” I smiled at him and he smiled back.
There was a small connection in that exchange of smiles. I almost didn’t catch it. It was a fleeting moment and then it was gone. I didn’t think it was sexual. It was deeper, like we had taken some silent step to cement a friendship. It was weird for me, because this was truly an all new experience.
Nothing more was said as we looked over the menus. They had more than thirty options for pizza. I was a simple and traditional guy. But I decided I would eat whatever Sam wanted, as he was buying. I felt really funny about him spending his hard-earned money on me, but I was determined to let it go.
“Alright, decision time,” said Sam. “On the count of three, we both put a finger on our pizza of choice, then we see how close we are. Ready? 1-2-3.” We both slammed a finger down on the menu. Our fingers landed on the same spot on our menus. We grinned at each other.
“Jack! You picked the same as me!” Sure enough we were both pointing to the house special—sausage, onions, green peppers, tomatoes and extra cheese. “That’s so cool. What do you want to drink?”
“Diet Coke is fine, if they have it.”
He ordered everything when our waitress came over. She was quite beautiful, in a college coed kind of way. I was surprised that Sam hardly ever even looked at her. I’m gay, and I looked. He was staring at me.
“So, Jack, tell me more about yourself. Are you excited to be moving to Denver?”
“Yeah, I think so. Excited…and a little scared too. I met some people on my trip there who were helpful and kind to me, so I won’t be totally alone. And I’ll be busy with work. I tend to jump in and bury myself in it until I have some idea that I know what I’m doing. How about you, are you excited about law school?”
“Yeah. I am now. For a while there I wasn’t sure I could go through with it. It’s three years of intense study. My dad tells me all the time it was the most grueling and rewarding thing he ever went through. I guess I’ll see for myself. Not wild about living in St. Louis, though. Seems lame compared to L.A.”
“Hey now, you’re talking about my home town—well, kinda. I grew up in a small town in the country. We went to St. Louis maybe a couple times a month at most. Usually for shopping. It’s not huge, not like Chicago, or L.A., I guess. But it has its good points, probably. Though it’s not the weather, that’s for sure.”
“Oh, why not?”
“Hot and humid in the summer, cold and snow and tons of ice in the winter. You definitely get four seasons, and some extreme days mixed in. Nothing like Hawaii.”
“Ha! There’s no place like Hawaii. It’s like too perfect almost. I’m spoiled living here. I like the pace and the job and the carefree attitude of it all. But I can’t make a living cleaning pools. This was only supposed to be a temporary thing, so I guess it’s time to suck it up and get on with my life.”
Our waitress arrived with our pizza and drinks, and we dug in with gusto. It was really, really good pizza. Or maybe it tasted good because I was eating it with a really, really good guy. If I could, I would have stayed in that booth all night talking with him.
When the last slice was consumed, and I couldn’t swallow another mouthful of soda, we both leaned back in the booth and turned a little sideways to get more comfortable. My jeans were feeling really tight now. Sam was looking very thoughtful, like he was working out a puzzle or something. He must have made a decision, because he nodded his head once, I guess to himself, and then looked up at me.
“Jack, I want to tell you something. I’m not sure why, but I feel like I should. Is that okay?” He looked at me for permission. What was I going to say, no?
“Yeah, Sam. You can tell me anything. Go ahead.” I sat back, intrigued.
“The only other person who knows about this is Tommy. He’s why I’m here, or at least he’s the one that asked me to come here. Ugh. This is hard. Let me start at the beginning.
“I was in a two-year relationship while I was in college. I thought it was forever. I mean I was totally in love and I thought it was mutual. We were planning on law school together, even. It was all set. Then, in late March, just over a year ago now, it all fell apart. The relationship ended. I had no idea it was coming. I was totally blindsided. All my plans, our plans, were scrapped in a single conversation. It was devastating.
“I don’t know how I made it through my final semester. I don’t remember much. The only person who knew what had happened was my best friend, Tommy. I think he was really worried about me, like maybe I was going to hurt myself. I would never do that, but I was definitely depressed.
“I eventually told my parents. My mother was my mother. She wanted to get on a plane and fly to L.A. and make me food. My dad was sort of sympathetic, but then he started reminding me in every conversation that I needed to pull myself together and go to law school. Stay with the plan. The thing is, that plan only reminded me of what I had lost. I didn’t want that plan anymore.
“During finals week, Tommy told me he had heard that sometimes you could defer a scholarship for one year. Maybe I should do that. I think he knew if I went right away I was never gonna make it through. So I called the admissions people, and they didn’t like it, but they agreed to it. My old man went through the roof. Said some not nice things to me, told me to grow a pair and get over it, and shit like that. He later apologized. He never stays mad. I realized later he was just scared I was gonna throw my life away.
“So anyway, that’s how I ended up here in Hawaii. Tommy talked to his dad and they gave me the job. I live in a small studio apartment near the shop and I work in the sun all day and try not to think about what could have been. I’m now starting to think about my future again, and I’m ready. I want it now more than ever. I realized it’s what I really want after we talked last night, so thanks, Jack, for the clarity.” With that he sat back, took a deep breath, and looked me right in the eyes. I knew he needed me to say something, but what?
“Um…uh…wow, that’s um…that’s quite a story. I’m sorry you had to go through the breakup. It had to be awful. Thank goodness you had a friend like Tommy to help you through it. I can see why you talk about him the way you do. He must mean a lot to you now.”
“Yeah. He probably saved my life. He certainly saved my future. But don’t tell him I said that. He’s already a pill sometimes. Thinks he’s the greatest guy alive, and every woman is searching the oceans for him. A lot of them find him, too,” he said, laughing.
“So, Jack, any special relationship in your life? Ever get close to settling down?”
It was an innocent question, and I was expecting it after what he had shared. I had two seconds to decide what I was going to say. Do I hide, or do I tell him the truth? I squeezed my hands together under the table to hide the shaking. I was glad it was just the two of us.
“Um…no…not really, Sam. I’ve never been in a relationship to speak of.” It was a lame attempt at stalling. He saw right through it.
“Nothing? Surely you’ve dated though, right?” He wasn’t challenging, just gently inquiring. He really wanted to know me. He’d just told me his biggest secret. I needed to tell him mine.
“No, I haven’t, Sam. To be honest, I’ve been too scared to pursue relationships. I don’t have a ton of confidence, though I’m trying to get better. The thing is, I…uh…well, it’s not easy for me. I get scared…I’ve sort of been hiding a lot.” I was struggling to find the right words. This was so hard.
Then Amanda’s words came to me—do it afraid, Jack. Do it afraid.
“Hiding what?”
In that simple statement, Sam gave me the opening to say it. I took a deep breath. I couldn’t look at him. I kept staring at the checkered tablecloth.
“I’ve been hiding the fact that I’m…that I…um…Sam…I’m gay.” It came out in a whisper, but I got it out. I let out the breath I’d been holding and waited, shaking in fear of how he would react.
There was silence on the other side of the table. Now I was really scared. I slowly looked up at him, and he was looking at me, staring right into my eyes. I know it sounds clichéd, but he was looking right into my soul. I couldn’t tell what he was thinking—his stare was so intense, so focused, so all-consuming somehow. I looked away and then the room started closing in on me. My old anxieties starting rising up, and I could feel the pizza rise with them.
“Sam, I need to get out of here. I’m sorry.” I stood up and walked as fast as I could outside. I moved away from the entrance a few feet and stood near a trash can, in case I did lose my dinner. It was fifty-fifty at the moment. I was trembling, and I was angry. Angry at myself for being so emotional about it, still so fearful. This crap had to end—it had to.
Sam came rushing out a couple of minutes later. He was frantically looking for me, and when he saw I was still there and had not run away, he sighed and walked slowly over to me. His eyes locked on to mine, and this time I didn’t look away. They were crazy intense, exploring my soul.
“You gonna be alright, Jack?” he finally whispered. I nodded, and he reached out his hand and put it on my shoulder. It was comforting, but still a little awkward. I wished he had put his arm around me completely, like he had when we cleaned the pool. I suddenly wanted to be in his arms so badly, straight or not.
“Come on, let’s walk a little.” He turned, never taking his hand off my shoulder, but sort of guiding me to follow him. We crossed the street, and I noticed that his hand was now at the small of my back. Not in constant contact, but often enough I knew it was there.
I trusted that touch. I don’t know why, but I did. At that moment it was the only thing holding back a total breakdown.
A block down the road, he led me onto the beach. It was dark, but the street lights threw just enough of a glow I could see the sand at my feet. The darkness was comforting in its own way. Walking in the sand started to get tough. Sam suddenly stopped.
“Jack, let’s sit here for a minute, okay?” I nodded, and collapsed on the sand, drawing my knees to my chest. I wrapped my arms around them and held myself tightly against them. Sam sat in a similar fashion next to me, almost touching shoulders. We sat there, in a surprisingly comfortable silence, for several minutes. Then Sam wanted to talk.
“How ya doin’, Jack?”
“I’m a little cold, but I’m okay. Sorry about the freak out back there. I hate when I do that.” I was almost in tears, but I held them back with everything I had.
“Here, don’t move.” He stood up and moved behind me, then sat down with his legs on either side of my butt. He scooched up close so my back was touching his chest. He leaned into me and put his long arms all the way around mine and pulled me close to him. I melted into his embrace.
The silent tears fell. There is no way I could have stopped them. I had done the scariest thing of my life, and I landed in the safest place I had ever known—Sam’s arms. What was happening?
“Jack, you don’t need to say anything, just listen, okay?” I nodded silently.
“It was very brave what you did back there. You’re a lot tougher than you think you are. Thank you for trusting me. My guess is you haven’t trusted too many people, so I’m honored you shared your secret with me. I really am.” He squeezed me a little harder to hopefully convince me he meant it. I believed him. I relaxed back into him and he held me firmly.
“Jack…one more thing. You know the relationship I told you about—the one that fell apart?” Again I nodded silently. Sam leaned into me even closer and put his lips next to my left ear.
“His name was Jeremy.”